Purpose

          

Purpose . . .

So many times I feel like my life has been shattered, I feel like I’m lost; like I’ve lost my value, my meaning, my purpose.  For 28 years I served as a pastor and itinerant evangelist.

August 9, 1992 was the Sunday when everything in my life changed.  After serving as one of two evangelists for camp meeting that previous week, my last speaking responsibility was that Sunday morning.  When I got up to speak, after making a few opening comments and prayer, I began my message.  Suddenly the building began to spin and I yelled out for help.  I went into a grandmas seizure and woke up in the local Chambersburg, PA hospital.  The doctors there did not want to “touch it”, so they transferred me to Baltimore, MD. One week later, I was told that an egg sized tumor was removed, that I had brain cancer.  The news was not good.  I had about 50 weeks to live!  This August, 2017, it will be 25 years since I heard those “death words”. 

There is so much to tell about my journey, my experiences, my story.

But first, I thank God for sparing my life.  I thank God for the many, many blessings that I have received and experienced in the past 25 years.  However, now, today, I feel lost.  I’ve lost my meaning, my purpose.    Why?  What makes me feel so lost, like life seems empty and meaningless?

·         I’m having seizures.  Sometimes I go days without having a seizure, but then I’ll have several seizures in a single day.  It makes me angry, like I want to break things, yell things that should not be said, especially by a Christian.

·         My driver’s license has been taken and I can’t drive, so now I sit and wait for someone else to ‘get’ me and take me somewhere; anywhere I want to go.  It’s very humbling.

·         In a recent hearing test, I was told that I have severe hearing loss which is most likely from the intense radiation treatments that I went through after my first brain surgery.  I thank God for hearing aids, but my hearing is problematic and getting worse each year.

·         I have severe visual loss.  I was told by a specialist that the problem is not my eyes, but my brain.  It has become very hard to see, especially when trying to read.  I am using one eye most of the time to see or watch anything. I’m squinting or closing one eye to see as best as I can with the other eye.

·         I have severe memory loss.  I have short term memory problems which mean I can remember the years before my brain cancer journey began, but now I don’t remember what happened since. My life has dropped into the abyss of memory loss.  I don’t remember this morning, not to mention my yesterdays or years.  My days are a vague and a vanishing dream.

In these losses I'm reminded to what Jesus said in Matthew 22:37-40.  His words give me something to do, a purpose to pursue.   Jesus said they are the greatest commandments.

1.)    Love God with all your heart and with all you soul and with all you mind.

2.)    Love your neighbor as yourself.

It’s not just something that God gave to me to do.  It’s the two greatest commandments.  That is what I am supposed to do every day.   That gives me a reason, a purpose to pursue every day, the rest of my life, however long it may be.  I find when I really get busy doing those two things my days take on a new meaning, a reason, a purpose.  I can make a difference in the lives of others and I can feel better about me, my life.

Yup, love God and love people.  That’s more than I can get done in one day, so it will keep me busy today, tomorrow and all the days I have left to live.

I have a purpose to live!