STrong Winds and High Waves

  Strong Winds and High Waves

Just days before I had “that” speaking engagement and “that” grand mal seizure, I was having a very deep, tender time in prayer.  It was one of those times that I sensed the Lord’s presence so close and so real.  It was one of those prayer times when my heart cried and the tears flowed freely.  As I was praying, I had an awareness of my desperate need for Him. I needed His cleansing and transforming power.  I actually prayed, asking God to do whatever He needed to do to draw me closer, to give me a deeper and real love for Him.  I ask that he \would give me a genuine hatred for sin; that sin would be disgusting to me.  I asked Him to keep me from “falling off the edge” into sins that ruin and wreck. I asked that He would help me to love Him more than before.  O God, please change my head and my heart!  Keep me from failing and falling into sin!

I had no idea what was coming.  The storm of a brain cancer diagnosis with a prognosis of approximately 50 weeks to live.  I was told that I was going to die!  Then, the radiation, the chemo and the accompanying sickness and weakness.  I remember being so sick and vomiting so hard that I couldn’t get my breath.  I was vomiting so hard that I felt like my stomach would be torn out.

After following the procedures and protocol of medical treatments in the USA we made over 20 trips from San Diego to Mexico for alternative treatments for cancer. 

O my goodness!  The storm, the strong winds and the high waves!

What is interesting is that just soon after this all started; I was drawn to Matthew 14:22-33. 

I heard the story many times growing up, but this time it was different.  It was Peter that really caught my attention.  The part about Peter, the boat, the wind, the waves, his fear of drowning and his cry; actually probably his scream to Jesus!  After all, he was in storm of blowing winds, crashing waves and afraid he was going to die.  Yes, I related to that!

1.    Peter was invited to step into the deep water where Jesus was walking.  He was calling me to go deeper in my walk with Him. 

2.   Peter walked toward Jesus on top of the waves as he looked at Jesus.  Even though I’ve tried to walk on water, that’s beyond human ability, but enabled by Christ’s power.

3.   It’s when he took his eyes off Jesus that he began to sink in fear.  That is good insight. 

4.   It’s when he cried out and reached out to Jesus that he was rescued.  That’s good advice.  If I keep my eyes on Jesus I can get through this storm, or any storm!

5.   It’s in keeping my eyes on Jesus that I don’t need to be afraid.  I can get through the storm.  That’s the point!  Keep my eyes on Jesus.  He helped me to see that I was in a “win win” scenario.  If I died I was going to be with Jesus. If I lived, I could live for Jesus.  Yes, that’s a “Win – Win” situation!

The Lord was speaking to me.  Not just a whisper. He was talking loudly to me.  “Keep your eyes on Me in your storm!”  The message was so clear.  If I will keep my eyes on Jesus I will be able to overcome the storm I was facing.

That was good then and it’s still good now.  As I face new parts of this storm, I’ve got to keep my eyes on Jesus.  I know from Peter’s story that if I don’t keep my eyes on Jesus that I will be overwhelmed and sink into discouragement, depression, self-pity, lost purpose and lost meaning. 

The message relates and the point is clear;

I’ve got to keep my eyes on Jesus and cry out to Him to get through the storms of life! 

The Water Walker

The “Water-Walker “

As a boy, I lived with 30 other missionary kids in Africa.  Occasionally we got to go to the city pool.  That was a big deal for me.  Sometimes we would run off the edge of the pool and see how far we could go before sinking into the water.  It was a futile effort.  We would sink into the water every time.  But Jesus did something that I have never done.  He walked on water when the storm was strong and the waves were high!  The “Water-Walker”.

Matthew 14:22-25

Jesus had just fed 5,000 men, not to mention all of the women and children.  It could easily have been more than 10,000 people.  As He was in a crowd where there must have been handshakes, hugs, questions and talking to individuals all around Him. All of that must have left him exhausted, even overwhelmed.  After all the people had eaten, Jesus sent the crowd away and even sent His disciples away, so He could be alone. (v.22-23)  Apparently, He needed some rest and renewal away from people because of all that was going on.  After reading about all that Jesus had been doing I would have been looking for a hot meal, a hot shower and a comfortable bed, but in His fatigue Jesus climbed the mountain to be alone.  He didn’t climb the mountain to find a quiet place away from people so  He could sleep.  He climbed the mountain to be alone to pray.  Really? Yes, He went to pray even when He must have been exhausted. In addition there must have been a growing sense of what was ahead.

V.23 says; “When evening came”. It’s fairly safe to say that evening is between 6:00 and 9:00 PM.  He went there to be alone.  What did He do?  He prayed!

V.25 tells us that Jesus came down the mountain in the fourth watch of the night. That would have been sometime between 3:00 and 6:00 AM.  When you do the math, Jesus was in that place of prayer for at least 6 hours. 9:00 PM till 3:00 AM.  But He could have prayed from 6:00 PM to 6:00 AM.  That’s 12 hours.  We don’t know exactly what time it was when Jesus went up the mountain or came down; but the point is that He prayed for a long, long time.  Why, because there was a whole lot going on in His life.

I was seeing that I needed to pray more because I needed His help and strength more than ever before.  I was busy with multiple positions and responsibilities at the church where I was on staff.  That included overseeing the adult classes that met every Sunday, which included recruiting teachers, assist as needed and encourage them to be good leaders.   I was responsible to manage the custodial crew that kept the facilities clean at the church. I was leading a young married class which involved teaching every Sunday and securing leaders for a variety of ministry positions.  I was discipling and mentoring eight young men with a one year commitment.   I was responsible to oversee 10 small groups that met each week.  I was in the middle of pursuing my Masters Degree.  I had accepted an invitation to do some itinerant speaking.  In addition I was a husband and father of two little girls.  There was a whole lot going on in my life.

Then, in the middle of all that was happening in my life, I had a grand mal seizure, had brain surgery and was diagnosed with brain cancer and given a prognosis of about 50 weeks to live.

I needed to pray.  I needed God’s help and strength to walk into a storm on top of the “water” of my circumstances.   The wind was strong and the waves seemed to be so high. 

You know, I still need to take more time to be alone with God.  I need to pray more than I have been because the waves of my life have been pretty big and my “storm”, my “waves” only seem to be getting bigger.  That’s what I needed then and that’s what I need now.  If I’m going to be a "water walker:; to walk on the water of my circumstances, I need too; I’ve got to pray more!

Life Changing Passages #1

Throughout my cancer journey there have been special and specific passages of scripture that have related to me.  They are the stories that I have gone back to again and again, because it seems like God gave these stories specifically to me. 

#1  Worship in Your Wars

 After my first brain surgery in Baltimore, MD I was awake for a short period of time during the night.  A friend had given to me a little cassette player and a selection of worship cassettes.  I put the headphones under my chin, since my head was wrapped up in multiple bandages like a turbine.  As I listened to the songs I was comforted and the sweet peace and presence of the Lord seemed to fill my room.  It was at that point that I reached over and grabbed my bible, which had been put on the stand beside the bed.  Somehow, someway, I turned to 2 Chronicles 20 and read the chapter?

The enemies of Jehoshaphat were coming to do battle against him and his people.  Jehoshaphat reacted by calling the people of Judah together, “to seek help from the Lord.”  (v. 6 – 12) It was a time of passionate and pleading prayer, asking God for His help.  (v.9) – “… and will cry out to You in our distress …”  Yes, I related to that!  I was facing the battle of my life.

It was during that time of prayer, that a man; Jahaziel, stood up and said, “This is what the Lord says to you: Don’t be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army.  For the battle is not yours, but God’s.”(v.15)  It’s amazing that in that time of distress the people worshiped the Lord with “very loud voices”.  (v.18-19)  In the battle I was facing, brain cancer, my only hope was that God was in control of my battle.  I was going to die if God didn’t rescue me!

The next morning, Jehoshaphat challenged the people to have faith in God; then he consulted with the people. (v.21)  The next decision seemed absolutely stupid.  Jehoshaphat appointed singers to be the leaders in going out to the battle?  So they sang, “Give thanks to the Lord, for His love endures forever.” This makes no sense! I mean really, a worship team in front of the soldiers, headed into a huge battle.  Why would you ever put a ‘worship team’ in front of the soldiers to go into battle?  It seemed like Jehoshaphat was going to offer his people as a sacrifice with the hope of gaining peace.

As they sang, God turned their enemy against themselves and they totally destroyed each other.(v.22-23)  God stepped in; He intervened in their battle, brought deliverance and the victory was won.

What was God saying to me?  I was facing the battle for my life.  In my head and my heart, I heard Him saying, this is not your battle.  What was I supposed to do?  Worship Him!  The days and weeks that followed were dramatically changed because I focused on worshiping the Lord.  When we began to sing at church, or when I listened to worship songs, tears flowed freely down my cheeks.  The reading of God’s word publicly or privately, melted me to tears.  My head and my heart worshiped the Lord in a depth that I had never experienced before.  His arms and His peace surrounded me.  Somehow and in some way, it was through worshiping the Lord that my battles then and now, have been won. I’m finding that when facing battles of all kinds, worshiping the Lord is a powerful weapon against the Enemy, or any battle that I might be facing.

  I am learning that Worship is the key to victory, in every situation.

I want to be a godly man

I Want to be a godly man

When we lived in Denver, CO. we worked with Kingdom Ministries.  One of the fellow itinerants had a son, who he taught that when asked what he wanted to be when he grew up, he would say, “I want to be a godly man!”  Often it brought a smile to our faces, sometimes a heartfelt laugh.  What a great thing to teach your son, to plant that seed in his heart and mind.

On April 7, 2017, The Daily Bread devotional booklet told a story about a man in London who was known to be a saint, a godly man.  So much so that a street was named after him, There was actually a street called or referred to as “That godly man’s street”.

Hum, wouldn’t it be nice to have that kind of reputation?

I have often realized that sometimes I’m not such a godly man.  I have wrestled with thoughts, words, attitudes, even actions that do not match with that kind of reputation.  It’s in that “place” that I realize how much I need God's help.  I have read, quoted and prayed John 15:5 so many, many times as a confession of my need.  Many times before speaking or preaching, I prayed for His help, strength and anointing.  It’s where Jesus said, “Apart from me you can do nothing”.  I have asked God to help me, to do in me what I cannot do for myself.

I have prayed asking God to give me real love for and obedience to Him.  I have asked Him to give me a desire, a hunger to read and study His word.  I have asked Him to give me a desire to spend time with Him in thought and prayer.  I have asked Him to give me a holy hatred for sin and a hunger for His holiness and purity, I've asked Him to help me to see through temptations and to consider the consequences of yielding to those thoughts and temptations. I have asked Him to change the desires and wants of my heart, so that they would honor Him.  I have asked Him to help me to love Rhonda, my family and other people like I should. I have asked Him over and over …because I know that I need Him.

I have read, asked and prayed that verse so many times because I realize that apart from Christ that I can do nothing; absolutely nothing.  I need Him so much, so much more than I even know or understand.

O God, I openly confess my desperate need for You.  I realize that John 15:5 is so true, that I can’t do anything good without your help and strength.  O Lord, do in me what I cannot do for myself, so that I might be a godly man. 

  

When brain Cancer puts you on the bench

A View from the Bench

When Brain Cancer Puts you on the Bench.

Insights from the Sideline When You’re Injured

Anyone who is familiar with sports knows what it means to be benched.  For some it’s been bad attitudes or actions.  For some it’s been the failure to perform, or maybe some sort of physical problem.  For some it’s that age has impacted their ability to play the game anymore; but the one that I relate to the most is the one who has to sit on the bench because they are injured.  Now I watch others “play the game.” 

Brain cancer!  Seizures!  Loss of hearing.  Loss of eye sight and memory!  Loss of a job!  Loss of the freedom and privilege of driving!  Yes, I’m the injured player that sits on the bench and know I can’t play anymore and most likely never will again.  That’s hard to accept.  There have been so many times that I have thought that if I could still play, I could make a difference. 

There are others that have some sort of injury and are on the bench.  For some, it’s even the end of their career in sports.  They are on the bench of “has been”, or “once was”. 

I’ve learned that when sitting on the bench, the game goes on without me. I’m

 not noticed or needed as much as I once was.  On the bench, I realize that I’m not as important or even thought of as I like to be.  People don’t need me.  It’s hard to be on the bench because I want to feel loved, needed, important, valued and appreciated. It’s especially hard when for some reason God has put me on the bench of life, for the rest of my life.

I wish I could tell you how well I have done on the “bench”.  I wish that I could tell you how strong I have been spiritually through my brain cancer journey, but the truth is that there have been times when I haven’t done so well.  I have struggled in trying to understand why God allowed all of “this” to happen after He had opened so many doors and opportunities.  It’s been hard to accept that my dreams and hopes have come crashing down.  I have battled depression. I have felt so useless,  so lonely, so discouraged.  I don’t think that I’ve been angry at God, but I have had times of being angry about what has happened to me.  When interacting with people, I’ve been smiling on the outside, but crying on the inside.  I think that somewhere inside me there is a great disappointment that I don’t know quite how to deal with.  I’m wrestling with the reality that I might be on the bench the rest of my life; until “my game’ is over.

But my hope and confidence is that God has not removed me from the ‘team’, I just have to believe that there is a different position for me to play.  So, how can I still be part of “the game” from the bench?

·         I can cheer for and encourage individuals on the ‘field’. We all want and need encouragement from time to time.

·         I can pray specifically for individual needs. I like when others pray for me.

·         I can take notice of specific gifts, skills and talents, then affirm them.  I like that too.

·         I can celebrate the wins with them, whether little or large.  I like someone to celebrate my  advances and wins with me.

·         I can be there as a friend, when there have been losses and things haven’t gone so good.   There are times that I just need a friend who will sit with me, hug me and tell me they love and appreciate me.

·         I can better understand, help and encourage others who are hurting, injured, ‘benched’ in life, discouraged or depressed because of what has happened to me.

Somewhere, someone said, “It’s not what happens to you, it’s what happens in you that’s really important.”

I guess I’m realizing that regardless of what has happened to me, I can still make a difference in the lives of others whether on the “field” or on “the bench”.  Just maybe the biggest way I can do that is to encourage everyone I can, for everything I can, every time I can.  The Coach seems to think that’s really important and all of us can do it.

·         1 Thess. 5:11 “Therefore encourage one another and build each other up …”

·         Heb. 3:13 “But encourage one another daily …”

I’m seeing that there is still a game plan, a role for me to play.

Purpose

          

Purpose . . .

So many times I feel like my life has been shattered, I feel like I’m lost; like I’ve lost my value, my meaning, my purpose.  For 28 years I served as a pastor and itinerant evangelist.

August 9, 1992 was the Sunday when everything in my life changed.  After serving as one of two evangelists for camp meeting that previous week, my last speaking responsibility was that Sunday morning.  When I got up to speak, after making a few opening comments and prayer, I began my message.  Suddenly the building began to spin and I yelled out for help.  I went into a grandmas seizure and woke up in the local Chambersburg, PA hospital.  The doctors there did not want to “touch it”, so they transferred me to Baltimore, MD. One week later, I was told that an egg sized tumor was removed, that I had brain cancer.  The news was not good.  I had about 50 weeks to live!  This August, 2017, it will be 25 years since I heard those “death words”. 

There is so much to tell about my journey, my experiences, my story.

But first, I thank God for sparing my life.  I thank God for the many, many blessings that I have received and experienced in the past 25 years.  However, now, today, I feel lost.  I’ve lost my meaning, my purpose.    Why?  What makes me feel so lost, like life seems empty and meaningless?

·         I’m having seizures.  Sometimes I go days without having a seizure, but then I’ll have several seizures in a single day.  It makes me angry, like I want to break things, yell things that should not be said, especially by a Christian.

·         My driver’s license has been taken and I can’t drive, so now I sit and wait for someone else to ‘get’ me and take me somewhere; anywhere I want to go.  It’s very humbling.

·         In a recent hearing test, I was told that I have severe hearing loss which is most likely from the intense radiation treatments that I went through after my first brain surgery.  I thank God for hearing aids, but my hearing is problematic and getting worse each year.

·         I have severe visual loss.  I was told by a specialist that the problem is not my eyes, but my brain.  It has become very hard to see, especially when trying to read.  I am using one eye most of the time to see or watch anything. I’m squinting or closing one eye to see as best as I can with the other eye.

·         I have severe memory loss.  I have short term memory problems which mean I can remember the years before my brain cancer journey began, but now I don’t remember what happened since. My life has dropped into the abyss of memory loss.  I don’t remember this morning, not to mention my yesterdays or years.  My days are a vague and a vanishing dream.

In these losses I'm reminded to what Jesus said in Matthew 22:37-40.  His words give me something to do, a purpose to pursue.   Jesus said they are the greatest commandments.

1.)    Love God with all your heart and with all you soul and with all you mind.

2.)    Love your neighbor as yourself.

It’s not just something that God gave to me to do.  It’s the two greatest commandments.  That is what I am supposed to do every day.   That gives me a reason, a purpose to pursue every day, the rest of my life, however long it may be.  I find when I really get busy doing those two things my days take on a new meaning, a reason, a purpose.  I can make a difference in the lives of others and I can feel better about me, my life.

Yup, love God and love people.  That’s more than I can get done in one day, so it will keep me busy today, tomorrow and all the days I have left to live.

I have a purpose to live!